Nonsense, Absolute: An Open Letter-- Let's be Happy for What's-Her-Name's 50 Shades Success

Dear Quality Book Readers/Writers,

Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, theaters premiered the much-anticipated film adaptation of E. L. James' Fifty Shades of Vanilla. Unless you live blissfully under a rock with hermit crabs that only bring you quality literature, you probably have read or at least heard of the best seller. Why has this book become the supposed love of horny housewives and the bane of serious writers' existences? Obviously, because it was financially successful without really deserving that honor.

This is simply a repeat of the successful best-seller, and then blockbuster, Sparkly Mormom Vampires series by Stephanie Meyers. Those of us who struggle to write quality, original literature that makes the reader think or at least stimulates their brains more than their groins, burn with envy that these "hacks" make millions off of something that it seems a sixth grader could write. (Though, to that sixth grader's credit, she sure understands marketing and selling a book to its highest potential.)

The difference between Twitlight and 50 Shades is the target audience. While the sparkling undead story could be found in the Young Adult section of your local Barnes & Nobles-- and therefor had the potential to hook both children and their parents-- 50 Shades is decidedly more adult in that its plot is basically around-the-clock boinking. Without the Disney Promise*-- the promise of a film/book that appeals to both kids and adults and therefor makes a millionpajillion dollars all over the fucking world-- it would seem 50 Shades would only have modest best-seller success. However, its influence has surpassed what would be expected. Especially for an erotic novel that is written so...uh...well, un-erotically.

If you have read it, you probably realize by now that it is not the end all, be all of erotic fiction. If it was your gateway drug into erotica, you have probably already discovered better written books that make it pale in comparison.

One does not simply write "vagina."

For those of you who have not read it, I recommend going over to the good ol' Youtube and typing in "Gilbert Gadfry 50 Shades" and allow yourself to be amazed by some of the least sexy erotic writing ever to become a bestseller.

For those of you who frequently read erotic fiction, you probably found it laughable. Especially in the sub-genre of BDSM, 50 Shades comes out looking like a Twilight Fanfiction. Oh, wait. It is a Twilight Fanfiction. Welp, so much for that comparison.

For those of you concerned with the state of the "romance" genre that 50 Shades has heavily influenced over the past years, bringing in more abusive assholes with whips and blindfolds, you will cite that what Christian does to Anesthesia is not romantic, but controlling and manipulative. (At which point I shall direct you to the entire history of romance novels directed towards women.)

To be clear: I am not a fan of this novel. I could not finish the first chapter without laughing and concluded that it was not for me. Though, I have known friends, avid readers, who were able to wing it and admitted it was "not very good." But none have gone out their way to protest its success. 

There is something to be said by those in the BDSM community who protest the book being considered BDSM genre. They have valid points, in that Christian does not follow the proper protocol for a sub/dom relationship. Because of Fifty Shades, some women (and men) may get the wrong idea about what BDSM is and is not. However, need we remind everyone that there are men who abuse their power in any relationship, be it BDSM or vanilla. On top of that, Christian is a fictional asshole just like Edward Collins, and assholes be assholes. If we want better romantic leads, it is time to look elsewhere or write them ourselves.

But to all this I ask for a moment of your time. Let us come together and reconsider before we bash James' success in writing a trashy romance novel with BDSM-themes in it. Writers, readers, protesters, and haters:

Here is a woman who decided one day to write a casual fan fic of Twilight. Somehow, by a divine miracle of sorts, this fan fic became its own erotic novel and gained a book deal. That book became so successful that this Twilight fan can probably live off the money she made writing. Love the book or hate it, this is one fan girl's dream come true. Whether you think this book deserves the attention it receives, you have to admit that James, like Stephanie Meyers, made it. They did what we as writers always secretly hope we can achieve one day. The ability to live off our book sales.

Let us also be forgiving. When she started this thing out, she had no idea it was going to become a national best-seller under the scrutiny of more skilled writers and readers who could easily tear it to shreds with a well-wrought critique. It is her first book series and often writers like this improve over time.

As I said before, I am not a fan. And I think the attention is misdirected while far superior erotica writers deserve it. But I also feel like if this is the fantasy women want to pay to read then that is their right and no amount of my bitching is going to change their mind. In fact, you'll find, if you bitch enough, people will avoid the things you suggest because your bitch-voice will probably be the voice they hear when they try to read your recommendations.

Hey, y'all! Read Claiming Sleeping Beauty and imagine my voice narrating it. So hawt!

Let's be happy for Elroy James and 50 Shades of Vanilla. The movie might even be kind of hawt.And the novel has brought erotica to the forefront of book sales, a kind of gateway drug to the "good shit." 

That is all. With love,
Hisses and kisses,

LB