Nonsense, Absolute: An Open Letter-- Let's be Happy for What's-Her-Name's 50 Shades Success

Dear Quality Book Readers/Writers,

Yesterday, on Valentine's Day, theaters premiered the much-anticipated film adaptation of E. L. James' Fifty Shades of Vanilla. Unless you live blissfully under a rock with hermit crabs that only bring you quality literature, you probably have read or at least heard of the best seller. Why has this book become the supposed love of horny housewives and the bane of serious writers' existences? Obviously, because it was financially successful without really deserving that honor.

This is simply a repeat of the successful best-seller, and then blockbuster, Sparkly Mormom Vampires series by Stephanie Meyers. Those of us who struggle to write quality, original literature that makes the reader think or at least stimulates their brains more than their groins, burn with envy that these "hacks" make millions off of something that it seems a sixth grader could write. (Though, to that sixth grader's credit, she sure understands marketing and selling a book to its highest potential.)

The difference between Twitlight and 50 Shades is the target audience. While the sparkling undead story could be found in the Young Adult section of your local Barnes & Nobles-- and therefor had the potential to hook both children and their parents-- 50 Shades is decidedly more adult in that its plot is basically around-the-clock boinking. Without the Disney Promise*-- the promise of a film/book that appeals to both kids and adults and therefor makes a millionpajillion dollars all over the fucking world-- it would seem 50 Shades would only have modest best-seller success. However, its influence has surpassed what would be expected. Especially for an erotic novel that is written so...uh...well, un-erotically.

If you have read it, you probably realize by now that it is not the end all, be all of erotic fiction. If it was your gateway drug into erotica, you have probably already discovered better written books that make it pale in comparison.

One does not simply write "vagina."

For those of you who have not read it, I recommend going over to the good ol' Youtube and typing in "Gilbert Gadfry 50 Shades" and allow yourself to be amazed by some of the least sexy erotic writing ever to become a bestseller.

For those of you who frequently read erotic fiction, you probably found it laughable. Especially in the sub-genre of BDSM, 50 Shades comes out looking like a Twilight Fanfiction. Oh, wait. It is a Twilight Fanfiction. Welp, so much for that comparison.

For those of you concerned with the state of the "romance" genre that 50 Shades has heavily influenced over the past years, bringing in more abusive assholes with whips and blindfolds, you will cite that what Christian does to Anesthesia is not romantic, but controlling and manipulative. (At which point I shall direct you to the entire history of romance novels directed towards women.)

To be clear: I am not a fan of this novel. I could not finish the first chapter without laughing and concluded that it was not for me. Though, I have known friends, avid readers, who were able to wing it and admitted it was "not very good." But none have gone out their way to protest its success. 

There is something to be said by those in the BDSM community who protest the book being considered BDSM genre. They have valid points, in that Christian does not follow the proper protocol for a sub/dom relationship. Because of Fifty Shades, some women (and men) may get the wrong idea about what BDSM is and is not. However, need we remind everyone that there are men who abuse their power in any relationship, be it BDSM or vanilla. On top of that, Christian is a fictional asshole just like Edward Collins, and assholes be assholes. If we want better romantic leads, it is time to look elsewhere or write them ourselves.

But to all this I ask for a moment of your time. Let us come together and reconsider before we bash James' success in writing a trashy romance novel with BDSM-themes in it. Writers, readers, protesters, and haters:

Here is a woman who decided one day to write a casual fan fic of Twilight. Somehow, by a divine miracle of sorts, this fan fic became its own erotic novel and gained a book deal. That book became so successful that this Twilight fan can probably live off the money she made writing. Love the book or hate it, this is one fan girl's dream come true. Whether you think this book deserves the attention it receives, you have to admit that James, like Stephanie Meyers, made it. They did what we as writers always secretly hope we can achieve one day. The ability to live off our book sales.

Let us also be forgiving. When she started this thing out, she had no idea it was going to become a national best-seller under the scrutiny of more skilled writers and readers who could easily tear it to shreds with a well-wrought critique. It is her first book series and often writers like this improve over time.

As I said before, I am not a fan. And I think the attention is misdirected while far superior erotica writers deserve it. But I also feel like if this is the fantasy women want to pay to read then that is their right and no amount of my bitching is going to change their mind. In fact, you'll find, if you bitch enough, people will avoid the things you suggest because your bitch-voice will probably be the voice they hear when they try to read your recommendations.

Hey, y'all! Read Claiming Sleeping Beauty and imagine my voice narrating it. So hawt!

Let's be happy for Elroy James and 50 Shades of Vanilla. The movie might even be kind of hawt.And the novel has brought erotica to the forefront of book sales, a kind of gateway drug to the "good shit." 

That is all. With love,
Hisses and kisses,

LB

nonsense, absolute: Beastality and Bullshit (trigger warning: off-putting topics)

In a digital notebook on my desktop is where I store miscellaneous links to news items and other scraps of factoids and weirdness that catches my attention. A browse through my latest poetry books will reveal just how much the internet news coverage/tabloids influences the subjects of my poetry. Because “fact” is stranger than “fiction.”

Except when fact is fiction, in which case we begin to bat a story around for clarity and some semblance of truth.

Lately people have been doing this with the Bill Cosby “sex scandal.” (“Sex scandal” is in quotation marks because RAPE is not a “sex scandal” it’s a “rape scandal,” yet some tabloids refuse to call it such in their headlines. Why they do this is beyond me since “RAPE” is  a stronger word than “sex” and “sex” implies consent.) Some of the most childhood-crushing news to ever hit the internet, beloved comedian and entertainer Bill Cosby has been accused of raping multiple women. The media circus in this case seems to not know how to handle this. Ultimately, people are turning to the women and asking why they waited so long to bring these accusations up, probably not realizing that when you are a rape victim of a famous person and think you are all alone you will most probably keep your silence because of the media. The media loves a wayward woman to skewer. Every photo you ever posted on the internet will suddenly appear in tabloids all over the world, along with your name and occupation. Suddenly you’re receiving the Monica Lewinksy treatment without even having consented to sex. (At least Lewinksy got a book deal out of it.) America loves questions like “What was she doing alone with the man at night if it wasn’t sex?” because we live in an age of anti-sexism. Asking questions like that are even more interesting than family-friendly entertainer who secretly rapes dozens of women. 

"Hmmm, Cliff Huxtable as a serial rapist? I don't know there's just no story here, Jim. Let's do the Lying Tramp story again."

If you are the rape victim of a person the world adores and you don’t realize you have fellow-victims out there who also suffered at his hands, media coverage is the last thing you want. But now that so many voices are raising up, it is probably far easier to confess to what happened. You are no longer alone. In the end, Cosby will still probably be found not guilty and write about how he did not do it but if he did this is how he would have done it.

However, this is not about the Cosby story and the slow, cruel and unusual death of my childhood. It is about a story I saw on the FailBook the other day. With a title like "Mother, 20, has sex with dogs at 13, incest fantasies." How, oh, how are you not going to read that?

This is the reason I bring up the media’s love of covering evil succubus women. Unless you are tragically desensitized to outrageous depravity because of the internet, this will cause your knee-jerk “WTF” reaction to kick high. Daily Mail reported on a 20-year-old mother whoclaimed to have sex with her dogs (when she was 13) and fantasize about incest. Already in the headlines of this story  scream sensationalist news. The sad thing is, I understand. As a former newspaper writer, I understand the pressure to find stories that seize people’s attention. Nobody wants to read about something ordinary. Nobody wants unemotional, statistic-obsessed, fact-happy storytelling. News stopped being about actual news quite a long time ago. We want something wild and out there. The story essentially sums up that an unnamed man (whose identity is protected despite the woman’s name being aired to the world) who dated the accused woman for a few months only to discover, by her own admittance, that she liked sex with dogs and had fantasies about incest. Instead of finding her psychiatric help—she does have a child to raise after all—he went to the police with this juicy story of a zoophilic, nymphomaniac. She has been accused of crimes against nature. (Somehow that sounds even worse that bestiality.) The story does not mention any charges concerning her incest fantasies because thoughtcrime is a thing of the future that Big Brother has yet to enforce.No mention is made of her possessing any pornography of illegal acts. Instead the ex mentions that she retrieved images off the internet for him to see.

Why does this story reek so much of bullshit to me? 

Because I know the pressure to find sensational news stories. I know a writer’s need to embellish and deliver only the most absurd facts. And I know that exes, both male and female, can be some of the most unreliable narrators when it comes to their former partners. My debate teachers also learned me real good about critical thinking. When you see a story, especially a “he said, she said” one like this, you have to take it with a spoonful of salt. I also note the collection of selfie pictures the story decided to include of the accused woman in her bra and panties and in a kinky little outfit. One site even has a slideshow, despite the photos only proving that she is a typical 20-year-old taking selfies. Here is a woman who loves sex with anyone, according to ex. Therefor, she is also capable of dog-fucking and incest fantasies. Also, she’s 20, single and a mother already. Her father is trying to gain custody of his grandchild from her. How easy it is to cast her as the degenerate. And how fun it is. Now we have a wild story to spread around Failbook and discuss. It would be a useful gateway story into the discussion of animal rights. At least here someone is giving a damn that the dogs were sexually abused. That is certainly a plus for animal rights. But all of these elements combined into one story just feel overblown and full of plot holes, for lack of a better term, that another writer has to wonder.

Understand: I am not saying that the story is untrue. The world provides us with 100% true batshit crazy stories everyday. But in the media we use to navigate that world, nothing is ever quite what it seems. Who is the boyfriend? If he is concerned she will become a prostitute and has spoken to her father, why have they not arranged an intervention before going to the police and the media and ruining her life? Are the dogs okay? You may laugh, but animals can be as sensitive as humans to this kind of thing and I can’t help but wonder—if the story is indeed true—about their well-being. What about the child? Does a strong sexual appetite and freaky kinks truly make her a bad mother? Give us some examples of how she is an unfit mother before we turn her into a sideshow attraction. Did she suggest anything sexual in nature towards her own child? Some people have wild fetishes that are just that: fetishes. They get into roleplay with a consenting adult partner and pretend to be family members, school girls, dinosaurs or whatever the hell it is that turns them on. The most popular porn search term on the internet is “mother son.” Some food for thought. If you have a fetish for big boobs it doesn’t mean you are going to go around squeezing every nice rack you see. Practicing zoophiles, pedophiles, necrophiles and rapists are dangerous because they have no self-control and act on immoral urges. Am I suggesting that all humans are actually bubbling cauldrons of one disgusting fetish or another? Yes, I am. If someone tells you they have an incest kink it is not quite the same as someone telling you they actually want to have sex with a family member. If your partner walks in and begins showing you pictures of dead bodies and suggests where you two could rob a grave and have sexytimes with corpses, you have the right to run the other way. But if they show you weird necro-erotica that’s not quite the same as trying to plan a necro party with you. What I am trying to say through this ramble is that there is a difference between the fantasy and the action and most people are not nearly douche enough to be Ted Bundy.

Ancient zoophile porn because...why not?

If she did do what he said she said to those dogs then surely she deserves some punishment and the dogs should be properly cared for. Animals do not deserve to be used in yet another horrible way for a human’s selfish pleasure. If she really is a danger to her child, then something should be done.  But among these moral lapses that the story implies only ONE of them is illegal and that has yet to be proven:

1. ·         She had sex with two dogs when she was a minor.
2. ·         She stopped taking her birth control pills.
3. ·         She refused to take the pregnancy test.
4. ·         She has an incest fetish.
5. ·         She takes sexy selfies.
6. ·         She is 20 with a child.
7. ·         She likes sex. (Ex claims she is a nymphomaniac but also claims in the same breath that their sex life had been “suffering.”)
8. ·         She thinks she could get paid for sex because she’s good at it.
9. ·         She might be unwed and pregnant.

What do you think? Am I off my rocker for thinking this story smells of bullshit? Or do you agree this sounds to sensational to be true?

Excellent Day for an Exorcism: Part 3- "Annelisse: The Exorcism Tapes" (2011)

Welcome back, fellow demoniacs. Today our movie is a 2011 piece of shit film Annelisse: The Exorcist Tapes. Allow me to collect myself before we begin to delve into this steaming pile of twice-recycled shit.

WARNING: Both spoilers and strong feelings from the writer will be expressed in this review. The fact that Annelisee Michel was a real person seems to be the last thing on the filmmakers’ minds and I will offer none of the mercies I give to other movie-makers who are only doing their jobs and sometimes failing. This. This is different.

SYNOPSIS: A bit of fan-ficcy historical fiction is afoot when a camera crew and a group of “scientists” appear at the house of Annelisse Michel. If you are unaware of who Miss Michel was, an easy google search will provide you with sufficient data. In short, she was an epileptic woman who developed psychosis tied with her deeply religious beliefs. The pain became demons and her death became martyrdom. This is the same case that inspired the 2005 blockbuster The Exorcism of Emily Rose and the lesser known, superior German drama called Requiem. Both of those films are worth your time and I recommend them, especially the beautifully done and exquisitely acted Requiem, a film that not only poses questions but proposes some answers to the real life tragedy of a suffering young woman. In that film, the priest and doctors are shown in a fair light.

Fair light is not something you will have much of in “Annelisse.” Both figuratively and literally. Since when I do these reviews I keep a simple grading system to determine how I rate the movie, I found myself sinking it despite looking for redeeming qualities. This time I will share the process with you because it suddenly became hilarious how spectacularly this film failed in every point.

You begin with a score of 100, no matter what movie you are. You made a movie. That gets you an A for pure effort. And, believe it or not, I am incredibly nice when it comes to things I do not personally like. I suppose as a creator myself I understand and appreciate the incredible effort that goes into preparing just one piece of artwork. So here is how this review will be done. First I will go through the synopsis and share with you when the film makes mistakes with all the glee of your evil Third-Grade English teacher. Second, we will go through the “Possession Flick Score Board” to see how many needless clichés the film hits. (I usually forgive a cliché if they work well. Which is rare. Then we see if they get any Grace Points by bringing something new to the table.) 

Ready for this? Here we go.

Not only does this film open with the erroneous claim that this is “found footage” and that the scenes have not been doctored, but even the description of the movie is incorrect: “The case that inspired the 1970s blockbuster films.” The title, “The Exorcist Tapes,” implies that the Michel case inspired the movie The Exorcist.

But add this up. 

• The Exorcist came out in 1973. 
• Anneliesse’s case happened in 1976. 
•  You lose points for insulting your audience’s intelligence and getting your facts so screwed up you cannot even catch what bullshit you are trying to pass off as bullshit, Bullshit. (-1)  
•  That’s a lot of Bullshit. Penn and Teller need to do an entire episode about this movie.

Right away the editing of the scenes do not do the movie any favors. This does not, at any point, look like a documentary from the ‘70s. (-1) The group of “scientists” with camera crew arrive to film Annelisse for a “study” into epileptic psychosis. Or at least that is what her German doctor says. No subtitles provided for the German spoken in this film. Why not, I do not know but it becomes distracting very quickly because everyone besides Annelisse’s actual doctor are Americans. Highly unlikely. (-1) American scientists and camera crew visiting a German family with German priests and a German doctor, with the Americans being the voice of reason. Oh boy. Not even 10 minutes in and we have the White American Savior Complex already in effect. (-1) They want to film the supposedly possessed girl, though it is unclear how this is even legal. There is a study exploiting a patient without her or her parents’ consent. The German doctor mentions a “contract” of some sort but that never explains why the parents fail to call the police and have these assholes taken out of their house. I am fairly sure that filming a documentary in someone’s house who does not comply with it is illegal as well, regardless of some medical contract bullshit. That is home invasion. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to stay and film an exorcism without the patient, the patient’s guardians and the Church’s consent. Yeah, this just would not have happened. (-1)

"You're a stinky doodoo head!"

Things become “creepy” right away when the doctors see a pale and sleep-deprived Annelisse standing around, unresponsive to questions. Because nothing is scarier than women who do not follow instructions, am I right? She then pisses on the floor in true Exorcist-fashion. But she does that film one better by dropping to the floor and playing in the urine, licking it and grinning wickedly as she does so. Besides being gross this gives us nothing, honestly. All it does is validate her doctor’s suggestion that she go back to the hospital. But Annelisse’s priest argues that the doctors had her for two years and she did not improve. Ergo, she needs an ancient ritual of driving out negative forces by yelling things at her repeatedly until she stops…being crazy. Perfect. 

"The chemo therapy you have been undergoing for two years hasn't cured your cancer. So now we need to sacrifice a virgin to Pancuplagros. And wear these carrots to ward off evil."

It becomes clear that there will be two sides in this movie. On one side we have Father Rigid, his helper, and Annelisse’s parents who think that an exorcism is the ONLY answer. Then we have Annelise’s German doctor, the “scientist” that is with him, and his American film crew who may or may not be scientists themselves. They all believe that Science is the ONLY answer. Note the conspicuous lack of people who consider “Hey. What if we use both?!” And, no, I do not remember one of their names. They do not deserve to be remembered. 

FUN FACT: When yours truly went back to re-watch this movie, Netflix had already taken it out to pasture and shot it to death.  RIP Movie (2011- 2014) . 

But Team Science reports that they are spooked out because when they were walking up the path to the house they turned around and saw three-ish dead crows paving the path. Oh freaky. Not. Not even scary. (-1)

More tape cliché stuff with it messing up randomly and it adds nothing. (-1) While Annelisse is sleeping, the doctor finds that all the crosses in the house are turned upside down because apparently that is Satanic and not at all how St. Peter was crucified, right? The priest, who is supposed to know such things, also seems to think this is the work of a demon who has nothing better to do than pretend to be a badass Satanist. (-1)

Father Whatshisname, being a douchebag.

The main Camera Man seems to be swaying close to Team Exorcism because “freaky shit” keeps happening. Such as Annelise’s bed levitating and her speaking English. The scientist even screams “She speaks English?!”  Noooo. That’s a horrible language! (-1) Did I mention the acting here is atrocious? I’ve seen Discovery Channel documentaries with better dramatizations than this. (-1)

At this point the film begins to replay its old scenes like a real documentary but isn’t bound together as well like a real one. So it sucks at being a mockumentary, too. (-1)

The Dumb-Dumb German parents. Forgot their pitchfork for the picture.

The priest keeps insisting “There are no reasons for doctors here…” because they had her for two years but weren’t helping? Okay, so following that school of thought a cancer patient tried chemo therapy but the cancer didn’t go away so they should just not do it anymore. Is that the idea? Because that is kind of reckless, don’t you think? For the love of your God, you can do your exorcisms with medical help, right? Is that really such a difficult concept to grasp or is this movie just not sophisticated enough to delve into those kind of nuances? Also, priest-man, does it occur to you that Annelisse might be chronically mentally ill. Meaning, uh, there’s no cure. But she still deserves TREATMENT. Treatment doesn’t always mean they are going to make a full recovery. But it makes life more comfortable for the patient. Grow up. (-1) All the doctors and crew do is complain and threaten to go to the authorities when they really should have as soon as they caught wind of what was going on. (-1) The non-horror portion of the film is spent making the doctors and scientists look stupid by having them say again and again “I can’t explain it at the moment! I just can’t! I can’t!” (-1) Someone actually yells “Enough of your mumbo-jumbo!” That’s like…a line from a parody of exorcism movies. Are you kidding? (-1) The priest acts equally moronic with lines like “How could she know English? She’s never left Germany!”  Uh…it’s called television. (-1)

"I command you in the name of English to fear me!"

When the doctor threatens to go to the authorities, the priest tells the scientist/doctor off by saying because he’s been ordered by the arch-diocese to perform this ritual, if the doctor goes to the authorities he will be “laughed out of the court room” because this parish is religious.  Uh….no, he wouldn’t. That would not happen. Anywhere in the world. Ever since the start of the modern age. Come out of the Stone Age, Father Flintstone. (-1) There is also an unfair depiction of the parents as buffoons. (-1)One of the crew interrupts this riveting debate with a report of a poltergeist upstairs. Note, he reports it. But we do not see it. (-1)

Rather than have Anneliese report this herself, Father Flintstone annotates the end of Emily Rose. (Seeing Mary, blah blah blah. That’s why the exorcisms have to continue. So the world will believe in demons and good and evil. Blah blah blah BLAH!)  Also, another point off because that would ONLY make sense to a sad psychotic girl and the priest is riding it for his ego’s sake. You’re not a hero. You’re an asshole. (-2)

During a violent exorcism, Annelisse spews more charming dialogue. “You can take your medicine and shove it up your ass!” Oh, caustic, Annelisse! So caustic!(-1) The film then cuts to black and uses recordings but no scene, so we hear Annelisse speaking in tongues. L-A-Z-Y. (-1)

Making the doctors look stupid, the religious folk look like asses and the demoniac look unbelievable isn’t helping you capture the audience. In fact, most of the audience has probably left or fallen asleep by now. Annalisse verbally berates the scientist and he freaks out. It takes very little provocation. It is so sudden when he physically attacks her that it belongs in one of the Scary Movie sequels. (-1) 

The actual exorcisms of the film blend together, different only in the amount of Stupid that the two teams bring to them. One particularly classy scene has the girl rip her nightgown off with Hulk-like strength because nothing is more important than adding boobs to a movie like this. It’s all it needs, right? Later she proceeds to pull a dead bird out from…under her pillow….and bite its head off. Yum? Then she throws the priest with one hand. Because I think all that scene needed was another bad stunt. Eventually Annelisse attacks her German doctor and chokes him to death. Then she laughs like a girl, as Satan is prone to do in these kinds of movies when his vessel is a young white woman. (-1) The scene of the doctor’s death is the stupidest thing ever. The priests keep praying and people do NOTHING. They don’t even TRY to pry her off of him. (-1) Why is this such a non-event? Where is his body? What do they tell the police? Do they just toss him outside and say nothing. What about his family? Holy god! (-5)

Next we see her, Annelise is finally strapped down to the bed. She’s been drinking her pee, slapping, scratching and attacking people for YEARS and you only now just think to tie her down? (-1) The sole female member of the camera crew is convinced to loosen one of Annelisse’s straps when she asks her kindly. Then Annelisse grips her wrist and tells her off about her deepest secret. 

Film, you don’t know what atmosphere or tone even mean. And you don’t DESERVE to bring up subjects like rape, child abuse and pedophilia in your script. The camera woman, a victim of sexual abuse when she was a child, is brought to tears by the demon who attacks her…just because, I guess, she needs to die. But this film does not know how to handle the concept. So it loses five whopping points for even attempting.  As Horror Movie Satan would say “Go fuck yourself.” (-5) The camera woman hangs herself, bringing the body count to five in this shittastic film, and for no reason.

Next we see the priest slapping Anneliese and forcing her to genuflect 600 times. Priest-Man, you know it’s a demon and not her so why would slap her? Why would you torture her? We already know you’re an asshole who recklessly ended a woman’s life with neglect but this is just gratuitous and confuses an already messy script. (-5)

Team Science and Team Exorcism continue to spew out tripe about an order from the diocese overriding these people’s need to report a fucking MURDER and suicide. (-1) Also, in real life, Annelisse did blow out her knees and need a wheelchair, so good job for reminding me about that, Movie. At this point I’m just angry at you for dragging this families’ name even further into the dirt. (-1)

Also, Team Science and Team Exorcism, it is illegal NOT to report a murder if you know about it. You become an accessory to a crime if not. Good job, dingbats. (-1) Why are you still shooting this “study” after half your crew is dead? Who is actually shooting it at this point? Who in their right mind would still be in that damn house unless they were an idiot? (-1)

Annelisse appears in a wheelchair to the angry camera man who is, understandable, pissed off, that two people are dead. But she kills him off camera because…hell, why not, right? Then the last standing Team Science member appears filming himself in front of Annelisse’s bed so she can easily stab him in the back. No, really. That’s what happens. He basically sets himself up for a murder. But before he does that he turns himself over to “something more” in the cheesiest conversion moment of all time. Anne stabs him in the back with a butcher knife that she got from…Satan, I guess. She cuts herself a few times before the priests appear to exorcise her, again, apparently not caring about another dead body on the floor. She then dies and I am actually happy the most annoying possessed person in a movie ever is fucking gone. 

Uh, all you possessed chicks are the same.

The film ends with another pseudo fact about Michel’s grave being a place of pilgrimage for some Christians. This is true. But I will have you note a few things at the end of this review in memory of the real Annelisse. Who was a flesh and blood human like you and I, and not a horror movie spectacle in a piece of shit story like this.

Cliché Scoreboard.

POSSESSION FLICK SCORE BOARD:

Cliché Board
 

·         Victim: Young, White, Female, Helpless- check (-1)

·         Horrors of the Female Form: -check (-2)

·         Projectile Vomit: Silly CGI spiders. Check (-1)

·         Cliché Demon Voice: Yes. And it’s not scary. (-1)

·         Mental Illness is Scary (Ah!): Don’t really have a chance to. But I’m sure it would have exploited it, had it the chance.

·         Troubled Non-believer and/or Science vs. Faith: Check (-2)

·         Potty Mouth Demon: Check. (-1)

·         Whisper Lewd Things to Me, Satan (Horrors of Female Sexuality): Yes. And how! (-1)

·         The Devil Does Yoga (+ if in a pretzel): Yes (-1)

·         Spider Walk: Yes. (-1)

·         Imitating Emily Rose:  (-3)
 Other Cliché Points Off:

·         Based on True Story: -5 (Actually this film CLAIMS to be ACTUAL FOOTAGE of what happened. So it loses 5 points right away).

·         Factual Errors if above is to be believed: -6 (This is the danger of claiming to be based on fact or, in this case, ACTUAL found footage. Every time something is inaccurate you lose a point.)

·         Shaky camera: -1

·         Gross Out scares: -2

·         Lights Flicker Out cliché: -1

·         Pointless Poltergeists: -1

·         Pointless creepy singing: -1

·         Laughable special FXs: -2

·         Almost exact scene from Last Exorcism where possessed girl plays with camera: -1

·         Pointlessly Big Body Count: -5

·         Off-Screen Scream cliché: -1

·         Scream into Camera cliché: -1

Grace Points

·         None. Absolutely none. You get no grace points, movie.

Cliché Count: 11 out of 12 for main score.

Skipped Clichés:  1. But it would have had insanity-phobia if it had the chance.

Other Negative cliché points: 27

Negative Points from Synopsis: 47

Overall negative points:74

Grace points: 0.

Your Score: 15.

IN MEMORY of the Real Annelisse Michel

Photos from the real Michel case.

I am not here to tell you that Miss Michel needs to be canonized a saint or that I am insulted religiously by this. I am not a religious person and I am not Christian. If I were to be completely truthful, I will admit I was raised Roman Catholic, the same faith as Annelisse at the time of her death. I was raised to believe that this kind of thing does happen, but very rarely. In fact, many teachers in Catholic school told us never to jump to conclusions about such a thing. It is dangerous. People die in attempted exorcisms all the time. Catholic exorcisms are different from protestant counterparts where a crowd watches a preacher drive out the negative forces in celebratory triumph. A Catholic exorcism is rarely ever granted because a series of proofs are required to even consider it. Can you blame them? Imagine fanning the flame of a dangerously psychotic schizophrenic by addressing them as “Satan.” Not a good idea. Belief in being possessed is an easy delusion to encourage if you play along with it.

What I am here to tell you is that I understand. I sympathize. And I certainly do not find tripe like this movie morally forgivable. To turn the tragedy of such a person into one of the shittiest horror movies of all time, to exploit the hype, to drag the sadness of her family further into the dirt is not right. It is not fair to the Church either. It gives the impression that all Catholics are backwards thinking, anti-medicine asshats who would force a young woman to genuflect until she ruptured her knees. People give films like The Exorcist a wrongful “anti-Catholic” image. If you were to watch that original film you will see the nuances of its suggestions and the role-model that Father Karras truly is. He is practical-minded, forward-thinking and someone who understands that to help the victim of the demonic possession, he must also apply his medical know-how. This “Science vs. Religion” fight is a fairly new revival in the Possession Flick subgenre. All that aside, let us look at who Annelisse really was.

She was an intelligent young woman who had begun her years at college with hopes for the future, despite a disease that had begun to hamper her. She was from a rather religious family. She lived in Germany. This disease, her seizures and the pain, began to rob the future from her. Who would not want there to be a meaning for all this? Who would not want to feel like their pain meant something? What most do not remember about this case is that Annelisse believed she was atoning for the sins of others, much as saints of the past did. Did this erratic, dangerous, delusional behavior make her psychotic? Probably. But does that give movie-makers the right to turn her into this? No. It does not. Here is a young woman who suffered greatly whether you believe there was some kind of divine reason for it or whether it was purely mental illness brought on by the crushing disappointment of losing her life to these painful seizures and hallucinations. It does not matter which you believe. If you are going to mar a person’s life so much, at least change the fucking title of your movie. And painting the doctors as idiots and the priests as the heroes is more than a little questionable. The fact stands that these priests were charged with negligent homicide, a charge that was probably too light for them. When Annelisse died she weighed less than 70 pounds, was dehydrated, her knees had given out and she was missing teeth. Someone along the way made her problems into questions of petty faith. And that is not forgivable.  Let us not forget that her problems began after the release of The Exorcist and that the power of suggestion is stronger than people realize.

When you push aside all the religious implications you also have a mentally ill woman who has been turned into a kind of one-woman freak show in horror movies. At least Emily Rose was a fictionalized story based on the fact. Hell, even Requiem, which is the most faithful to Michel’s story, changed her name. But this movie felt like it had the right to use her name. This is morally repugnant. Not even a century has passed from this person’s death before you degrade her name to this. At least that pornographic Caligula film was made thousands of years after his death. Before you make fun of crazy people, maybe you should wait a while, right?

Rarely am I THIS harsh when I am seriously critiquing something. I believe the fact that someone labored over something and made it earns them points. And even the worst of movies entertain someone out there. But this is insulting to a movie-watche’rs intelligence and insulting to me personally on a mental level. Knowing what I do about the Michel case, and having seen it handled with maturity in films like Requiem and, hell, even Exorcism of Emily Rose, I cannot possibly pretend to find anything redeemable in this pile of garbage. Leave it in Hell where it belongs. It is not even so bad it is laughable. It is just plain bad.

Well, all that said. Here are the supposedly REAL recordings from one of Michel’s exorcisms. Sweet dreams.


(A/N: Apparently people have a high horse complex when it comes to hotlinking images. So here are the same exact images without credit. Because, guess what, those images don't belong to you, even if you "made" them on your computer. They belong to the movie companies. <3 )