Excellent Day for an Exorcism: "Deliver Us From Evil" (2014)

The film opens in the ancient times 2010 AD during the second Iraq War/Conflict/Disagreement/Quarrel, where several soldiers are scrambling about aimlessly in a cave for something unnamed. What they are doing in the earth’s vaginal cave is unimportant. What is important is that you know that Evil (or “Primary Evil” as this movie calls it) always piggyback rides back to the States from Iraq. This is a long tradition begun by the granddaddy (or grandMOMMY) of all exorcism movies The Exorcist. Remember that opening scene where Father Merrin is scrambling about aimlessly being freaked the holy-hell out by foreign people? That was in Iraq where a menacing statue of menace awaited to growl at him with its mighty snake phallus and lion head. In this movie, it is not Pazuzu the demon who awaits these modern American soldiers, but a wall of text. It seems a demon took it upon himself (or HERSELF) to graffiti the Menacing Cave of Menace with the most menacing language of all: LATIN!

Be still your heart. Bats are even exiting the cave in a hurry as if the Latin texts transcends species in its primary evilness. The soldiers see the wall of text and there begins our movie.

The film then takes a huge leap in time to the modern era of 2013 AD to the ancient archeological dig called New York City. A detective named Ralph Sarchie is attempting to resuscitate a dead infant and it becomes abundantly clear that this will be a laugh-riot right up there with Super Bad and 40-Year-Old Virgin. Sarchie is miffed that he cannot revive the dead baby but proceeds to pick yet another weird/violent case. His buddy cop Butler even comments that Sarchie seems to have a sixth sense—“radar”—for choosing bad cases like this. I would say this is true but given the evidence in the film it seems like he chooses fairly typical depressing New York cases. If the soul-crushing reality of crime in New York is “weird” to Butler and Sarchie then maybe detective work in one of the most violent cities of the U.S. is not the job for them. A “domestic dispute” calls Sarchie and Butler to a house where a man (Jimmy Tratner) has disputed his wife’s eye shut. (See now I made a word joke that makes me sound insensitive towards domestic abuse but really, why the hell is it called a “dispute.”) Rather than going with the detectives, Jimmy flips out and tries to stab them. Sarchie manages to chase the abusive Tratner and proceeds to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. Butler has to pull Sarchie off of the man. It looks like Sarchie has some issues he’s working out. You could even say he has DEMONS. (Not literally.) While arresting Tratner, Sarchie notices the man’s nails are bleeding. Either he has a bad nail biting habit or…DEMONS!

Because Tratner managed to stab Sarchie in the arm, our protagonist needs stitches. He and buddy cop Butler are called to the local zoo. A woman has apparently thrown her child into the lion’s pit… JUST LIKE A ROMAN CRUSIFYING A CHRISTIAN! But horror movies require that there be no child bloodshed so the pit was being repainted at the time and the lions did not dine upon infant flesh. Which must mean that the woman’s possessing demon is either very stupid and likes to throw children just for fun or that they sincerely did not realize the pit was being repainted. Nobody said demons are all-knowing. The zoo’s power went out and the woman escaped the police until Sarchie and Butler arrive. When they find her she is digging at the ground with her bare hands because the demon must be looking for cement treasure. (They give no reason within the film why the demon is trying to destroy the vessels’ hands, its main tool for acting out evil.) All the animals in the zoo are acting just as bizarrely. The possessed woman is repeating The Doors lyrics because nothing says raging demoniac better than psychedelic lyrics. Lions appear in the lion pit – what are they doing there!—and the painter who was renovating the cave also appears in a hood. Sarchie is unable to speak to him.

The police take the possessed woman (Jane) to the station where a chain-smoking, beer-drinking and probably gun-slinging Spanish priest named Mendoza appears. He claims that Jane must be possessed and is not insane. After expressing his disdain for all crazy people – fairly common comments like “She’s going to the loony bin where she belongs”—he takes the priest’s card anyway. Mendoza gives us the gem of the movie. He insists there are two kinds of evil: secondary, man-made evil and primary evil that demons do. Which makes one wonder what happens when you mix different primaries, secondary and other. Do you get tertiary evils? Jane also gives us the customary demonic behavior of possessed women in horror movies by blowing spit bubbles and acting like Gollum.

Despite the film setting Sarchie up as having a crisis of conscience over all the horrible shit he has to deal with, he continues to take cases that are clearly going to wear on him even more. He overhears some co-workers talking about a new case where someone had their supposedly deceased father call them quoting The Doors. Because of the tenuous connection to Jane, he relieves them of the case by taking it and goes to an apparently haunted house. A little boy translates for his foreign parents about how the house is haunted and Butler makes Addams Family jokes that don’t quite hit the mark because this is an ordinary house in New York and not the towering, majestic gothic of the Addams Family fame. For some damn reason, Butler lets Sarchie examine the basement all alone. In said basement Sarchie finds a corpse. The eye moves as though he is watching Sarchie. But that is only the vermin that now occupy the body and burst forth in a gross-out scare done perfectly right.

Let’s just say this is the film’s best moment. I type that with sincerity. Leading up to this moment the film takes its time, building tension, stacking on  the darkness that Sarchie faces on a daily basis. When the corpse’s eye moves and appears to see Sarchie for a moment, before an army of vermin burst free from the dead flesh, the movie reaches its true creep factor all too early. It is discovered that this poor fellow was Lt. Griggs, a painter who had been working on the house for the family. But the family is not able to confirm this because he always wore a hood.

At this point we are reminded that Sarchie has a family. Earlier in the film he was digitally messaged by his wife Jen but we meet them properly after nearly an hour mark in the film. Jen and their daughter Christina attend church and Jen explains to her daughter that Sarchie no longer believes in God and that is why he does not go to church. Seems like a huge existential question to lay on the shoulders of a small child. She is opting for full honesty with her child.

"I know, Mommy. Daddy is addicted to a wide array of narcotics. You already told me."

At this point I am obliged to let the reader/viewer catch up. You see, in case you missed it, all of the possessed men so far were soldiers in Iraq at the opening of the film. So when Sarchie and Butler got to Griggs’ apartment and discover that he was Jane’s (Mrs. Possessed) husband it should be no surprise to you that the cases are linked. A picture reveals that Lt. Griggs, Jimmy (the man who stabbed Sarchie’s arm) and a guy named Santino knew each other. It turns out that all three of them were discharged from the army for bad behavior. They were released from hard time a few years ago (presumably at the same time). Sarchie realizes that Santino (Hooded Painter Man) was the same spooky painter he saw at the zoo. The detectives use their super detective powers to infer that Santino also painted the Addams Family’s house and must have been the one to wrap Lt. Griggs in the tarpaulin. Why? Because that’s just how demon rolls. Oh, and Lt. Griggs killed himself by drinking paint thinner. Pay close attention to all the talking because it’s the only way you will get any of this information. 

Next, the detectives receive the zoo’s footage of when Jane tossed her child into the lion pit. The video, in true horror fashion, is shot grainy and unsettling. Jane is pushing a stroller passed the lion cage when she sees the ever-hooded Santino painting a wall. He is coating over an inscription and viewing it causes her to seize and then reenact the “Circle of Life” if Rafiki decided to throw Simba at the end. Santino turns to her menacingly and then returns to painting his wall of menace with menacing paint. While watching thi,s Sarchie exclaims that he hears children laughing and even sees a face of menace flash across the scene. Only to have his best buddy Butler tell him that the video is silent and he sees nothing out of the ordinary. 

Back in the Sarchies house, Sarchie’s young daughter Christina thinks she hears scratching under her bed. Sarchie arrives home irate and tells his daughter to shut up. This angers Jen, who tells him flat out that he is being an asshole and is never home. He then lays down the week’s grisly details to his wife in order to mentally torment her and it works because now she feels guilty. Meanwhile, I suppose Christina just has to suck it up and ignore that her father berated her. Because his life is so hard, what with all those cases that he chooses and he insists on going to because he is an egomaniac who thinks he can solve all the world’s problems. When he does go to his daughter’s room to check on her he sees a bloodied man in the mirror but when he turns around the man has clichéd himself into thin air.

“You should tuck your daughter in more often, Sarchie.”

Since Sarchie is unable to shake the static and children’s laughter in his head he calls on Father Badass Mendoza and the two drink and share manly stories. One such story is how Mendoza used to be strung out on heroin and hitting rock bottom helped him to find God. Oddly God has not chosen to save him from chain smoking and booze. Oh, well. Mysterious ways, as they say. He allows Sarchie to listen to an audio clip of an exorcism of a woman named Claudia, who we never meet but she is important to Mendoza’s back story. Anyways, despite being rather run-of-the-mill as far as exorcism audio clips go, it strikes a nerve for Sarchie and it seems as though he may be finding God. Why is it horrible shit causes people to believe in God?

Sarchie lets his new priest buddy watch the footage of the zoo to see if he can hear the children and static as well. Mendoza does not share Sarchie’s hallucinations. But never fear. Father Smoky Booze has an explanation! Apparently, Sarchie may be able to sense Primary Evil better than the average cop. He asserts that this is a gift and a curse, though I am failing to see the gift part of it. On the daily grind against evil, all of Sarchie’s cases tend to lead him to dead ends and existential crises. At no point does the film indicate that Sarchie’s gift has served to make a difference in the epic battle against Primary Evil. Oh well.

Mysterious ways.

Back at the Sarchies’ residence, Christina’s room is possessed by Poltergeist reject spirits. A toy owl likes to move towards her and a feeble scratching noise keeps her up. Her door also refuses to open when she is scared. All of this is clearly Sarchie’s fault for not being home more. Jen asserts that Christina does not feel safe at home because she needs a father. Fathers frighten away lame poltergeists. Actually, females, being ever ripe for possession, should always have a man around to keep things spiritually safe. The man is the spiritual head of the household after all.

Mysterious ways.

Meanwhile in a mental ward Jane, who has now become Linda Blair, apparently kills a physician, steals his keys and escapes like Gollum, crawling on all fours with the keys in her mouth.

She frees Jimmy with these keys, by the way.

Sarchie decides to go back to Jimmy’s house for further investigation. Jimmy, the douchebag from the beginning of the film—remember, the one who beats his wife—was apparently possessed. Jimmy’s wife (Mrs. Tratner) tells Sarchie tearfully that Jimmy would sometimes claw at things and when Sarchie investigates further he discovers the demonic inscription everywhere. Footage at Jimmy’s house of the Iraq war also shows the inscription. Once again, Mendoza has an explanation. The inscription is a door/portal to hell and that is why all the references the possessed people make are of The Doors. Get it? Doors because of “doors to hell?” Makes sense, right? Yeah, no.

How helpful of the demons to lay out hints for the detectives. Mendoza confesses to Sarchie that he got the woman in the audio clip (Claudia) pregnant but he confessed his sin and now all is right in the world. But by the looks on their faces there is no hope for Claudia since she aborted the baby. To hell with you, harlot woman.  Also Satan has time breathe on Sarchie’s window and open the portal to Hell because every time the camera pans to him the car window has the inscription written in fog.

It is at this point that the film fully departs from simple possession flick territory and takes a shot of testosterone. This is about to become an action movie with demons for flavor. Butler (who has not left the film, he has merely taken a backseat to Father Smoky Booze) and Sarchie are able to locate Santino’s address. The three men wait at Sarchie’s apartment complex. Helpfully, Mendoza reminds Sarchie that it might be time for a confession. Sarchie seems as though he may just give in to the advice when Santigo (the hooded possessed man) appears home. The men try to confront him but he is not in his apartment room. Doing the smart horror movie thing, they split up and doom at least one of them to death. Jimmy (possessed) attacks Sarchie (stupid) and Butler (unlucky) is stabbed to death by Santino (possessed with new invisibility super powers, apparently). So Butler is murdered by the possessed Santino while Sarchie and Mendoza fight the possessed Jimmy. Why these possessed men are attacking is unknown but a motivation would be nice amidst all this action.

It is quite difficult to keep up with the action and who is who at this point in the film, mostly because all of the possessed characters look and act the same. By the time Butler dies, it is unclear whether Santino or Jimmy stabbed him just as it is unclear if it is Jimmy or Santino who Mendoza has restrained with the power of his cross. When Sarchie reveals why he is hearing children’s laughter it is also difficult to sympathize with him amidst all the confusion. Apparently a long time ago he caught a child killer and beat him to death. Why he is still on the force after beating a man to death is unknown. But this is weighing on Sarchie’s conscience. 

Father Smoky Booze and Detective “Guilty Conscience” Sarchie ready for battle.

Sarchie is on his way home when suddenly.

RIP Jane. We hardly knew ye.

This film does not waste its time with possessed chick foreplay. It uses the woman and tosses her off of a building. At least Sarchie tries to call it in. What a prince. Next he gets a phone call from a woman who matters. His wife Jen (whose name is so close to Jane’s I think they didn’t try). Jane is not the one on the other line though. No, it is Santino, who has Sarchie’s females captive. Christina and Jen are now the captives of a possessed man with no clear motif or plan. But Sarchie is able to successfully arrest the possessed Santino.

Wow, demon. You didn’t even try.

While in police custody the action equivalent of an exorcism happens. A wind-blowing, soundtrack-blaring, blood-flying, cross-wielding, Latin-shouting showdown between Team Sarchie and the demon—whose name turns out to be Jumbler or something—unfolds. At one point all Sarchie can hear is The Doors and the demon tells Mendoza that Claudia kept the baby. Sarchie, learning from Mendoza (and apparently The Exorcist) tells the priest to ignore the demon. Jumbler gives in after an action-packed exorcism and the soundtrack overwhelms all else with swelling action-movie violins and slow-motion to tell the audience that something huge has just happened. Christina and Jen are recovered from the back of a van, unharmed, because apparently the demon was just keeping them around.

After the birth of Sarchie’s second daughter—did I forget to mention Jen was pregnant?—the detective retires from the force and joins Mendoza in fighting Primary Evil. The movie ends with this factoid.

Cliché Board (scoreboard)

1.       Victim: Young, White, Female, Helpless- check (-1)

2.       Horrors of the Female Form: nope

3.       Projectile Vomit: Not really. Bubbles of spit don’t count.

4.       Cliché Demon Voice: Yes. (-1)

5.       Mental Illness is Scary (Ah!): Yes (-1)

6.       Troubled Non-believer and/or Science vs. Faith: Check (-1)

7.       Potty Mouth Demon: Nope.

8.       Whisper Lewd Things to Me, Satan (Horrors of Female Sexuality): Nope. For once.

9.       The Devil Does Yoga (+ if in a pretzel): Not really.

1.   Spider Walk: Crawling normally doesn’t count.

1.   Imitating Emily Rose: No.

1.   Based on a True Story. Yes. (-1)

Other Cliché Points Off:

•             Factual Errors if above is to be believed: Since I don’t know the true story and the film made no attempt to tell the true story only one point deduced. (-1)

•             Shaky camera: No.

•             Gross Out scares: Lots of blood and one really gross scare that was actually awesome. So deducing one point for relying on it. But it was still awesome. (-1)

•             Lights Flicker Out cliché: A few times. (-3)

•             Pointless Poltergeists: -1

•             Pointless creepy singing: Laughing in this case. Children laughing. -1

·         Evil is Foreign- the demon comes from overseas. Of course. -1

•             Pointlessly Big Body Count: -5

Grace Points

•                    This tried to be different. It was a bro movie dressed as an exorcism movie. So it gets 5 points for at least TRYING something different. The first 45 minutes were watchable. (+5)

•                    Rather than focus on the ickyness of female sexuality, it focused on the fear of demons from over seas…so….half a point. Maybe. Nah. 0. Switching misogyny for xenophobia isn’t acceptable.

•                    The priest was entertaining to have on screen. Not good, mind. But this cop-like priest who seemed just as likely to pull out a gun as a crucifix was at least a change of pace. Not as cool as the Jewish exorcist in The Possession, though. (+1)

•                    The first 45 minutes seemed to be leading up to something big and frightening. Before the film teetered off into an action flick about some aimless demon named Jambler, it did seem to be leading to the kind of creepy atmosphere of Exorcist III: Legion (and that, folks, is how you do a possession movie). (+1)

Overall

·         The first 40 minutes of this movie were building up to something solid but it soon becomes muddled down with too many characters with too little personalities. (-1) The demon appears to be aimless and even if the case of “chaotic evil” is to be made, has too little of a personality to leave much of an impression. (-1) None of the imagery is anything that will stick with you, save for the body in the basement which turns out to be a gross-out scare done right. The seen it all before feel of the movie may even bore some viewers. While the film does not take the lowest common denominator of sexualizing the possessed female, it also does not take any new risks or bring anything of worth to the possession sub-genre. As an action movie, it will probably disappoint from not making a connection with its audience and Sarchie is too generic to really feel anything for. The plot is too tangled to really root for anyone (-1). It almost seems like a movie trying to inject some testosterone into a genre already so obviously under the Male Gaze. That said, the special effects, acting and pacing leave nothing to be desired and if you enjoy action movies and horror movies you might enjoy it. At least this tried to be something a little different. Not bad, but not great.

Cliché Count: 5 out of 12 for main score.

Skipped Clichés:  7 out of 12 of the main ones.

Other Negative cliché points: 13

Negative Points from Synopsis: 3

Overall negative points: 21

Grace points: 7.

Your Score: 86

Excellent Day for an Exorcism: Part 3- "Annelisse: The Exorcism Tapes" (2011)

Welcome back, fellow demoniacs. Today our movie is a 2011 piece of shit film Annelisse: The Exorcist Tapes. Allow me to collect myself before we begin to delve into this steaming pile of twice-recycled shit.

WARNING: Both spoilers and strong feelings from the writer will be expressed in this review. The fact that Annelisee Michel was a real person seems to be the last thing on the filmmakers’ minds and I will offer none of the mercies I give to other movie-makers who are only doing their jobs and sometimes failing. This. This is different.

SYNOPSIS: A bit of fan-ficcy historical fiction is afoot when a camera crew and a group of “scientists” appear at the house of Annelisse Michel. If you are unaware of who Miss Michel was, an easy google search will provide you with sufficient data. In short, she was an epileptic woman who developed psychosis tied with her deeply religious beliefs. The pain became demons and her death became martyrdom. This is the same case that inspired the 2005 blockbuster The Exorcism of Emily Rose and the lesser known, superior German drama called Requiem. Both of those films are worth your time and I recommend them, especially the beautifully done and exquisitely acted Requiem, a film that not only poses questions but proposes some answers to the real life tragedy of a suffering young woman. In that film, the priest and doctors are shown in a fair light.

Fair light is not something you will have much of in “Annelisse.” Both figuratively and literally. Since when I do these reviews I keep a simple grading system to determine how I rate the movie, I found myself sinking it despite looking for redeeming qualities. This time I will share the process with you because it suddenly became hilarious how spectacularly this film failed in every point.

You begin with a score of 100, no matter what movie you are. You made a movie. That gets you an A for pure effort. And, believe it or not, I am incredibly nice when it comes to things I do not personally like. I suppose as a creator myself I understand and appreciate the incredible effort that goes into preparing just one piece of artwork. So here is how this review will be done. First I will go through the synopsis and share with you when the film makes mistakes with all the glee of your evil Third-Grade English teacher. Second, we will go through the “Possession Flick Score Board” to see how many needless clichés the film hits. (I usually forgive a cliché if they work well. Which is rare. Then we see if they get any Grace Points by bringing something new to the table.) 

Ready for this? Here we go.

Not only does this film open with the erroneous claim that this is “found footage” and that the scenes have not been doctored, but even the description of the movie is incorrect: “The case that inspired the 1970s blockbuster films.” The title, “The Exorcist Tapes,” implies that the Michel case inspired the movie The Exorcist.

But add this up. 

• The Exorcist came out in 1973. 
• Anneliesse’s case happened in 1976. 
•  You lose points for insulting your audience’s intelligence and getting your facts so screwed up you cannot even catch what bullshit you are trying to pass off as bullshit, Bullshit. (-1)  
•  That’s a lot of Bullshit. Penn and Teller need to do an entire episode about this movie.

Right away the editing of the scenes do not do the movie any favors. This does not, at any point, look like a documentary from the ‘70s. (-1) The group of “scientists” with camera crew arrive to film Annelisse for a “study” into epileptic psychosis. Or at least that is what her German doctor says. No subtitles provided for the German spoken in this film. Why not, I do not know but it becomes distracting very quickly because everyone besides Annelisse’s actual doctor are Americans. Highly unlikely. (-1) American scientists and camera crew visiting a German family with German priests and a German doctor, with the Americans being the voice of reason. Oh boy. Not even 10 minutes in and we have the White American Savior Complex already in effect. (-1) They want to film the supposedly possessed girl, though it is unclear how this is even legal. There is a study exploiting a patient without her or her parents’ consent. The German doctor mentions a “contract” of some sort but that never explains why the parents fail to call the police and have these assholes taken out of their house. I am fairly sure that filming a documentary in someone’s house who does not comply with it is illegal as well, regardless of some medical contract bullshit. That is home invasion. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to stay and film an exorcism without the patient, the patient’s guardians and the Church’s consent. Yeah, this just would not have happened. (-1)

"You're a stinky doodoo head!"

Things become “creepy” right away when the doctors see a pale and sleep-deprived Annelisse standing around, unresponsive to questions. Because nothing is scarier than women who do not follow instructions, am I right? She then pisses on the floor in true Exorcist-fashion. But she does that film one better by dropping to the floor and playing in the urine, licking it and grinning wickedly as she does so. Besides being gross this gives us nothing, honestly. All it does is validate her doctor’s suggestion that she go back to the hospital. But Annelisse’s priest argues that the doctors had her for two years and she did not improve. Ergo, she needs an ancient ritual of driving out negative forces by yelling things at her repeatedly until she stops…being crazy. Perfect. 

"The chemo therapy you have been undergoing for two years hasn't cured your cancer. So now we need to sacrifice a virgin to Pancuplagros. And wear these carrots to ward off evil."

It becomes clear that there will be two sides in this movie. On one side we have Father Rigid, his helper, and Annelisse’s parents who think that an exorcism is the ONLY answer. Then we have Annelise’s German doctor, the “scientist” that is with him, and his American film crew who may or may not be scientists themselves. They all believe that Science is the ONLY answer. Note the conspicuous lack of people who consider “Hey. What if we use both?!” And, no, I do not remember one of their names. They do not deserve to be remembered. 

FUN FACT: When yours truly went back to re-watch this movie, Netflix had already taken it out to pasture and shot it to death.  RIP Movie (2011- 2014) . 

But Team Science reports that they are spooked out because when they were walking up the path to the house they turned around and saw three-ish dead crows paving the path. Oh freaky. Not. Not even scary. (-1)

More tape cliché stuff with it messing up randomly and it adds nothing. (-1) While Annelisse is sleeping, the doctor finds that all the crosses in the house are turned upside down because apparently that is Satanic and not at all how St. Peter was crucified, right? The priest, who is supposed to know such things, also seems to think this is the work of a demon who has nothing better to do than pretend to be a badass Satanist. (-1)

Father Whatshisname, being a douchebag.

The main Camera Man seems to be swaying close to Team Exorcism because “freaky shit” keeps happening. Such as Annelise’s bed levitating and her speaking English. The scientist even screams “She speaks English?!”  Noooo. That’s a horrible language! (-1) Did I mention the acting here is atrocious? I’ve seen Discovery Channel documentaries with better dramatizations than this. (-1)

At this point the film begins to replay its old scenes like a real documentary but isn’t bound together as well like a real one. So it sucks at being a mockumentary, too. (-1)

The Dumb-Dumb German parents. Forgot their pitchfork for the picture.

The priest keeps insisting “There are no reasons for doctors here…” because they had her for two years but weren’t helping? Okay, so following that school of thought a cancer patient tried chemo therapy but the cancer didn’t go away so they should just not do it anymore. Is that the idea? Because that is kind of reckless, don’t you think? For the love of your God, you can do your exorcisms with medical help, right? Is that really such a difficult concept to grasp or is this movie just not sophisticated enough to delve into those kind of nuances? Also, priest-man, does it occur to you that Annelisse might be chronically mentally ill. Meaning, uh, there’s no cure. But she still deserves TREATMENT. Treatment doesn’t always mean they are going to make a full recovery. But it makes life more comfortable for the patient. Grow up. (-1) All the doctors and crew do is complain and threaten to go to the authorities when they really should have as soon as they caught wind of what was going on. (-1) The non-horror portion of the film is spent making the doctors and scientists look stupid by having them say again and again “I can’t explain it at the moment! I just can’t! I can’t!” (-1) Someone actually yells “Enough of your mumbo-jumbo!” That’s like…a line from a parody of exorcism movies. Are you kidding? (-1) The priest acts equally moronic with lines like “How could she know English? She’s never left Germany!”  Uh…it’s called television. (-1)

"I command you in the name of English to fear me!"

When the doctor threatens to go to the authorities, the priest tells the scientist/doctor off by saying because he’s been ordered by the arch-diocese to perform this ritual, if the doctor goes to the authorities he will be “laughed out of the court room” because this parish is religious.  Uh….no, he wouldn’t. That would not happen. Anywhere in the world. Ever since the start of the modern age. Come out of the Stone Age, Father Flintstone. (-1) There is also an unfair depiction of the parents as buffoons. (-1)One of the crew interrupts this riveting debate with a report of a poltergeist upstairs. Note, he reports it. But we do not see it. (-1)

Rather than have Anneliese report this herself, Father Flintstone annotates the end of Emily Rose. (Seeing Mary, blah blah blah. That’s why the exorcisms have to continue. So the world will believe in demons and good and evil. Blah blah blah BLAH!)  Also, another point off because that would ONLY make sense to a sad psychotic girl and the priest is riding it for his ego’s sake. You’re not a hero. You’re an asshole. (-2)

During a violent exorcism, Annelisse spews more charming dialogue. “You can take your medicine and shove it up your ass!” Oh, caustic, Annelisse! So caustic!(-1) The film then cuts to black and uses recordings but no scene, so we hear Annelisse speaking in tongues. L-A-Z-Y. (-1)

Making the doctors look stupid, the religious folk look like asses and the demoniac look unbelievable isn’t helping you capture the audience. In fact, most of the audience has probably left or fallen asleep by now. Annalisse verbally berates the scientist and he freaks out. It takes very little provocation. It is so sudden when he physically attacks her that it belongs in one of the Scary Movie sequels. (-1) 

The actual exorcisms of the film blend together, different only in the amount of Stupid that the two teams bring to them. One particularly classy scene has the girl rip her nightgown off with Hulk-like strength because nothing is more important than adding boobs to a movie like this. It’s all it needs, right? Later she proceeds to pull a dead bird out from…under her pillow….and bite its head off. Yum? Then she throws the priest with one hand. Because I think all that scene needed was another bad stunt. Eventually Annelisse attacks her German doctor and chokes him to death. Then she laughs like a girl, as Satan is prone to do in these kinds of movies when his vessel is a young white woman. (-1) The scene of the doctor’s death is the stupidest thing ever. The priests keep praying and people do NOTHING. They don’t even TRY to pry her off of him. (-1) Why is this such a non-event? Where is his body? What do they tell the police? Do they just toss him outside and say nothing. What about his family? Holy god! (-5)

Next we see her, Annelise is finally strapped down to the bed. She’s been drinking her pee, slapping, scratching and attacking people for YEARS and you only now just think to tie her down? (-1) The sole female member of the camera crew is convinced to loosen one of Annelisse’s straps when she asks her kindly. Then Annelisse grips her wrist and tells her off about her deepest secret. 

Film, you don’t know what atmosphere or tone even mean. And you don’t DESERVE to bring up subjects like rape, child abuse and pedophilia in your script. The camera woman, a victim of sexual abuse when she was a child, is brought to tears by the demon who attacks her…just because, I guess, she needs to die. But this film does not know how to handle the concept. So it loses five whopping points for even attempting.  As Horror Movie Satan would say “Go fuck yourself.” (-5) The camera woman hangs herself, bringing the body count to five in this shittastic film, and for no reason.

Next we see the priest slapping Anneliese and forcing her to genuflect 600 times. Priest-Man, you know it’s a demon and not her so why would slap her? Why would you torture her? We already know you’re an asshole who recklessly ended a woman’s life with neglect but this is just gratuitous and confuses an already messy script. (-5)

Team Science and Team Exorcism continue to spew out tripe about an order from the diocese overriding these people’s need to report a fucking MURDER and suicide. (-1) Also, in real life, Annelisse did blow out her knees and need a wheelchair, so good job for reminding me about that, Movie. At this point I’m just angry at you for dragging this families’ name even further into the dirt. (-1)

Also, Team Science and Team Exorcism, it is illegal NOT to report a murder if you know about it. You become an accessory to a crime if not. Good job, dingbats. (-1) Why are you still shooting this “study” after half your crew is dead? Who is actually shooting it at this point? Who in their right mind would still be in that damn house unless they were an idiot? (-1)

Annelisse appears in a wheelchair to the angry camera man who is, understandable, pissed off, that two people are dead. But she kills him off camera because…hell, why not, right? Then the last standing Team Science member appears filming himself in front of Annelisse’s bed so she can easily stab him in the back. No, really. That’s what happens. He basically sets himself up for a murder. But before he does that he turns himself over to “something more” in the cheesiest conversion moment of all time. Anne stabs him in the back with a butcher knife that she got from…Satan, I guess. She cuts herself a few times before the priests appear to exorcise her, again, apparently not caring about another dead body on the floor. She then dies and I am actually happy the most annoying possessed person in a movie ever is fucking gone. 

Uh, all you possessed chicks are the same.

The film ends with another pseudo fact about Michel’s grave being a place of pilgrimage for some Christians. This is true. But I will have you note a few things at the end of this review in memory of the real Annelisse. Who was a flesh and blood human like you and I, and not a horror movie spectacle in a piece of shit story like this.

Cliché Scoreboard.

POSSESSION FLICK SCORE BOARD:

Cliché Board
 

·         Victim: Young, White, Female, Helpless- check (-1)

·         Horrors of the Female Form: -check (-2)

·         Projectile Vomit: Silly CGI spiders. Check (-1)

·         Cliché Demon Voice: Yes. And it’s not scary. (-1)

·         Mental Illness is Scary (Ah!): Don’t really have a chance to. But I’m sure it would have exploited it, had it the chance.

·         Troubled Non-believer and/or Science vs. Faith: Check (-2)

·         Potty Mouth Demon: Check. (-1)

·         Whisper Lewd Things to Me, Satan (Horrors of Female Sexuality): Yes. And how! (-1)

·         The Devil Does Yoga (+ if in a pretzel): Yes (-1)

·         Spider Walk: Yes. (-1)

·         Imitating Emily Rose:  (-3)
 Other Cliché Points Off:

·         Based on True Story: -5 (Actually this film CLAIMS to be ACTUAL FOOTAGE of what happened. So it loses 5 points right away).

·         Factual Errors if above is to be believed: -6 (This is the danger of claiming to be based on fact or, in this case, ACTUAL found footage. Every time something is inaccurate you lose a point.)

·         Shaky camera: -1

·         Gross Out scares: -2

·         Lights Flicker Out cliché: -1

·         Pointless Poltergeists: -1

·         Pointless creepy singing: -1

·         Laughable special FXs: -2

·         Almost exact scene from Last Exorcism where possessed girl plays with camera: -1

·         Pointlessly Big Body Count: -5

·         Off-Screen Scream cliché: -1

·         Scream into Camera cliché: -1

Grace Points

·         None. Absolutely none. You get no grace points, movie.

Cliché Count: 11 out of 12 for main score.

Skipped Clichés:  1. But it would have had insanity-phobia if it had the chance.

Other Negative cliché points: 27

Negative Points from Synopsis: 47

Overall negative points:74

Grace points: 0.

Your Score: 15.

IN MEMORY of the Real Annelisse Michel

Photos from the real Michel case.

I am not here to tell you that Miss Michel needs to be canonized a saint or that I am insulted religiously by this. I am not a religious person and I am not Christian. If I were to be completely truthful, I will admit I was raised Roman Catholic, the same faith as Annelisse at the time of her death. I was raised to believe that this kind of thing does happen, but very rarely. In fact, many teachers in Catholic school told us never to jump to conclusions about such a thing. It is dangerous. People die in attempted exorcisms all the time. Catholic exorcisms are different from protestant counterparts where a crowd watches a preacher drive out the negative forces in celebratory triumph. A Catholic exorcism is rarely ever granted because a series of proofs are required to even consider it. Can you blame them? Imagine fanning the flame of a dangerously psychotic schizophrenic by addressing them as “Satan.” Not a good idea. Belief in being possessed is an easy delusion to encourage if you play along with it.

What I am here to tell you is that I understand. I sympathize. And I certainly do not find tripe like this movie morally forgivable. To turn the tragedy of such a person into one of the shittiest horror movies of all time, to exploit the hype, to drag the sadness of her family further into the dirt is not right. It is not fair to the Church either. It gives the impression that all Catholics are backwards thinking, anti-medicine asshats who would force a young woman to genuflect until she ruptured her knees. People give films like The Exorcist a wrongful “anti-Catholic” image. If you were to watch that original film you will see the nuances of its suggestions and the role-model that Father Karras truly is. He is practical-minded, forward-thinking and someone who understands that to help the victim of the demonic possession, he must also apply his medical know-how. This “Science vs. Religion” fight is a fairly new revival in the Possession Flick subgenre. All that aside, let us look at who Annelisse really was.

She was an intelligent young woman who had begun her years at college with hopes for the future, despite a disease that had begun to hamper her. She was from a rather religious family. She lived in Germany. This disease, her seizures and the pain, began to rob the future from her. Who would not want there to be a meaning for all this? Who would not want to feel like their pain meant something? What most do not remember about this case is that Annelisse believed she was atoning for the sins of others, much as saints of the past did. Did this erratic, dangerous, delusional behavior make her psychotic? Probably. But does that give movie-makers the right to turn her into this? No. It does not. Here is a young woman who suffered greatly whether you believe there was some kind of divine reason for it or whether it was purely mental illness brought on by the crushing disappointment of losing her life to these painful seizures and hallucinations. It does not matter which you believe. If you are going to mar a person’s life so much, at least change the fucking title of your movie. And painting the doctors as idiots and the priests as the heroes is more than a little questionable. The fact stands that these priests were charged with negligent homicide, a charge that was probably too light for them. When Annelisse died she weighed less than 70 pounds, was dehydrated, her knees had given out and she was missing teeth. Someone along the way made her problems into questions of petty faith. And that is not forgivable.  Let us not forget that her problems began after the release of The Exorcist and that the power of suggestion is stronger than people realize.

When you push aside all the religious implications you also have a mentally ill woman who has been turned into a kind of one-woman freak show in horror movies. At least Emily Rose was a fictionalized story based on the fact. Hell, even Requiem, which is the most faithful to Michel’s story, changed her name. But this movie felt like it had the right to use her name. This is morally repugnant. Not even a century has passed from this person’s death before you degrade her name to this. At least that pornographic Caligula film was made thousands of years after his death. Before you make fun of crazy people, maybe you should wait a while, right?

Rarely am I THIS harsh when I am seriously critiquing something. I believe the fact that someone labored over something and made it earns them points. And even the worst of movies entertain someone out there. But this is insulting to a movie-watche’rs intelligence and insulting to me personally on a mental level. Knowing what I do about the Michel case, and having seen it handled with maturity in films like Requiem and, hell, even Exorcism of Emily Rose, I cannot possibly pretend to find anything redeemable in this pile of garbage. Leave it in Hell where it belongs. It is not even so bad it is laughable. It is just plain bad.

Well, all that said. Here are the supposedly REAL recordings from one of Michel’s exorcisms. Sweet dreams.


(A/N: Apparently people have a high horse complex when it comes to hotlinking images. So here are the same exact images without credit. Because, guess what, those images don't belong to you, even if you "made" them on your computer. They belong to the movie companies. <3 )